Just … Jump

Age is relative don’t you think? Am I saying that because I’m older? I’m sure I never uttered that phrase when I was 23, 37, and definitely not 16.

Presently my chronological age feels nothing like my mental age. I guess that could be alarming enough for my children to put me in a nursing home at some point, but will I really care? Won’t I be blissfully a child or even a teenager again?

An elderly neighbor developed dementia in her 80s. She was confident she was 19 again. Hilarity followed when she, imagining herself much younger, was flirting with my husband as he tried to mow the lawn or complete work in our yard. Her harmless actions were entertaining, and I enjoyed the mild embarrassment my husband endured.

Some days I feel like I’m 30 and others, I feel 90, but who knows how that will feel if I get there? Currently, I’m right in the middle of those two numbers and it blows my mind.

How did I get here so fast and what have I done with these 60 years that are of any value? Has my life’s work been for more than just money? Was I purposeful and intentional in choosing my career? Have I loved my family and friends well?

I find myself sporadically experiencing an obscure weighty feeling that lies between my shoulder blades much like a duffle bag swung over my shoulder on the way to the gym. It’s not fear, not loathing, not sadness. Is it the weight of time passing too quickly, or time lost in the busyness of daily life?

I think about my childhood dreams, my striving to achieve college and career goals, and my stretching to climb that ridiculous corporate ladder. I made it. I achieved so many goals and was recognized by my peers with achievement awards and certificates, but after the all-nighters, 70-hour work weeks, worry, exhaustion, and elation, I still wonder if my work life was well spent. Have I done the things not of the corporate world but of the world Christ wished for me?

When reflecting I reassure myself that I did God work, too. I ask myself ‘Did I treat my co-workers with respect?’ What about the people that I hired – those who worked for me? Was I a coach and mentor? Did I treat them fairly? I believe I did. I hope they believe that, too.

Have I forgiven those who I worked for who did not treat me fairly or mentor me to the best of their ability? To be honest there are a few who I haven’t forgiven, who I still hold resentment toward. Only now do I see them from this side, and I understand their fears, and their egos – not that I agree with their methods, but I recognize their self-centeredness, striving, and fears.

Did I neglect my family and friends for my career? Heartbreakingly, I did. I have many regrets of missing my kids’ occasional sports or school events or relying on family to parent my children when duty called. I am blessed with a fabulous extended family, we have rallied and covered for each other for decades.

Nonetheless the future, it turns out, is not a tote bag, said writer Anna Quindlen. I understand what she means – let it go – leave the baggage behind – make amends, if need be. You can’t change the past and you won’t be able to navigate the future with a heavy load.

I wonder if I fear growing older or if I’m regretting dreams left behind? I think it’s morphed into an urgency of living the next years of my life well. I have a responsibility to set aside the material world and work for the spiritual world – do the soul work that I’ve dabbled in but have not fully achieved.

I’m searching for clarity as a way to use my experiences to help others achieve their soul work earlier in their lives than I have. I may not have completely neglected my soul, but I know I could have focused more on the spiritual. If I can help others achieve that in their lives, will I have achieved my purpose?

Many ‘someday schemes and dreams’ are now being realized. I recall a woman in her yard on my drive to work many mornings. Tending to fabulous flowers with a shovel or hoe, in splashes of sunlight she donned a wide-brimmed hat to keep the dreaded skin cancer rays at bay. I anticipated her new displays of perennials or baskets overflowing with showy flowers. I’d whisper to the dashboard, “That’s me someday.”

I’m happy to say that it is! I’m living my flower-lady dreams, and I love it! I’m learning new skills and experiencing the joy of growing plants and flowers that invite birds and bees into my yard. The best part is that I’ve purposefully set aside time to enjoy that part of my life instead of waiting for ‘someday.’

One of my favorite authors, Arthur C. Brooks, writes in his book Strength to Strength:

“You’re letting go of what you have, what you’ve built, a professional life that answers the question “Who Am I?” It is a professional death with a birth that is uncertain. You’re looking out over a precipice, unsure whether what awaits will bring pleasure or pain – or most likely, both.

But you know what you have to do.

Don’t think, Dude, just jump.”

After 11 fabulous years of freelance writing and graphic design work, I have paused this summer to evaluate my next phase. I find joy in mentoring, collaboration, writing, and connection. Over time I’ve realized that the previous season propels you to the next and I’m ready to let those propellers spin.

Dude, it’s time to … just jump!

Photo cred: Photo by Peter Conlan on Unsplash